A Day in the Life of...

Happy New Year to family, friends, and associates! Happy New Year everyone, especially those who have touched my life directly or indirectly! Happy New Year Annie! Happy New Year Kriss! Happy New Year George and Stacey and Thom!

I drove back to West Texas to visit my family for the holidays. I stayed at my sister's house Monday night. I had a dream that night that I was delivering food to some people but I was going in the completely opposite direction to deliver the food. I have been giving my parents and sister Eckhart Tolle's latest book for Christmas. I took the dream to mean that I am giving the wrong people spiritual food. That said, my Father actually uttered a line from The Power of Now in Ft. Davis, TX yesterday as we argued politics and religion...well, he was arguing religion, I was trying to plant spiritual seeds. So, perhaps, some seed of Truth has been planted. I am trying not to complain or be negative around my family. I haven't always succeeded in my pwn emotional reactions. While I was visiting my Father, my stepbrother and stepsister interrupted my time with my Father. They probably meant no harm, but it irritated me anyway. I feel ashamed that I couldn't remain Present during that irritation. West Texas has a slower pace of life and it's more earthy than Dallas. I still feel like a stranger in a strange land here. I love the night skies because I can see the Milky Way in Ft. Davis and all the stars I grew up with that are horribly obscured by light pollution in Dallas. Happy New Year Annie ! Happy New Year everyone!

Today we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ on Earth. We are really celebrating the birth of the Buddha of Western Civilization, the first glimpse of a new consciousness arising within Western Civilization. Unlike the East, our Buddha was put to death because he was seen as a threat to the Established Authorities of his day. He forgave them all because he recognized that they were asleep and didn't realize what they were doing. They were killing him out of fear, fear of loss of their power and their beliefs from which their power was derived. But they could only kill the body, not the consciousness that inhabited that body, a consciousness that could never be destroyed -- a consciousness in each and every one of us, but that is suppressed by our minds. So, be conscious of who you really are. From that consciousness, that awakening, give the gift of your awakened self to every one you meet. Recognize that everyone who is asleep is a hypocrite, Old Greek for actor. Greek actors wore masks. So, Jesus was calling attention to the fact that almost everyone you meet is a mental mask of his or her mind, an actor. So, recognize the person beneath the mask, if you can. Try not to react to the actor and the acting, but respond to the true Being underneath. Shakespeare was correct, "All the world is a stage and everyone is an actor playing a role on that stage". Isn't it better to be a member of the audience and observe the play rather than act out the drama within the play? Merry Christmas!

It is said, "Where there's life, there's hope". I believe that "Where there is life, there is the promise of the Now". Where there is life, there is the promise of a new beginning, a new moment, a new day, a new surprise, a new joy, a new experience, a new friend, a new love. All comes from Being. Love everything and everyone you meet. Be glad you are alive. Laugh and love when you can. Those are the things that matter. We fear Death, but there is no death, only life.

The Golden Rule states love your neighbor as yourself. What is left unstated but implied is that your neighbor is yourself. Jesus says in The Gospel of Thomas that the Kingdom of Heaven is all around us yet we do not see it. Jesus also says, "split a piece of wood, I am there. Lift up a stone and you will find me there." Jesus is saying that everyone and everything is sacred and of God. Thus, Christianity joins Buddhism and the Tao Te Ching in espousing a Universal Consciousness in everything and everyone. Tolle espouses this view, but it is not a new one. But then Tolle also mentions that there has only been one spiritual Master who has taken multiple human forms throughout recorded history. Tolle also says that he is that Master now and so can you be that Master once you awaken from the Dream of Form. This is why I know Tolle is authentic, because he does not espouse exclusivity. He is not the only incarnation of God. Everyone is. It's just that he's woken up and most of the rest of us are in different stages of sleep or unconsciousness and we don't KNOW who we are. We may know it on an intellectual level, but we have not fully or completely experienced who we are beyond name and form. Therefore, everyone you meet is yourself. If someone treats you badly, it's not personal. If someone treats you kindly, it's not personal. Everyone is God and God is just interacting with itself, lost in a Dream, experiencing Life in a Dream, starting to wake up from the Dream. I implied that we are all one in a previous entry:

The mind says zero equals death and one is I.
The spirit says there is no zero or one, there is just the Infinite.

I could have said Totality or I Am or Me or God, but the meaning would be the same. So, this Christmas Season, be impersonal and wish everyone you meet good fortune and many blessings because everyone you meet is you.

The mind can not grasp the future because there are too many variables and random chance for it to deal with. The mind likes order, but God likes Chaos and the order and variation it brings into the world. If humanity makes it. By that statement, I mean, if humanity evolves to the next level and becomes consciously perfect, one with the Sacred we call God, then spiritually every human will be equal each other. But on a physical level, each human will still be distinct and different with different abilities and traits. Each human will perform the function best suited to him or her at the proper time and place, but the "New Earth" will not be a Utopia. All it means is that Mankind will become sane and come back into balance with Nature and the planet we inhabit. Animals are in a state of unconscious perfection spiritually, but no two animals are "equal" on a physical level. Every animal in a species is individually different on a genetic level. Nature is just a molecular dance and humanity is a part of that dance even as we speak. Humanity, humanity with a capital H, humanity that has attained spiritual Enlightenment at the species level will still be part of that molecular dance. The only difference I can see is that men and women will play with form wisely rather than unwisely, assuming that the Sacred chooses to let humans survive and evolve to the next stage. At this time, there is a war going on between Mankind's collective insane Egoic Mind and Mankind's collective primordial Mind. The outcome is not known to me on any level, but even if we don't survive as a species it is not a problem. Ask the birds, the descendants of theropod dinosaurs, if you don't believe me.

I strive to awaken and be sane in an insane world. That I have wants and desires means that I am still identifying with my mind and its needs and desires. While I have glimpses of the real me and Beingness, that is all they are at the moment. What Zen Buddhists call satori. If I write profound thoughts or sayings in this blog means one of two things:
1. I am inspired by Being at that moment in time. I have awakened briefly, or
2. I am repeating spiritual truth or wisdom from a contemporary or ancient source that is resonating with me at that time.

I try to write from Presence and Love. I do not claim to be anything other than an ordinary man trying to find his Path through this world. I make mistakes. I fall down and I pick myself up. I strive to help and love others as I would want to be loved. I am an intelligent man and I have been frustrated by the world in my efforts to do my job and earn a decent living several times in the recent past. In retrospect, my attitude at the time was probably responsible for some of my difficulties with others. I did not take into account the fact that managers would be intimidated or angered by my intellect or my questioning an action on their part that was blantantly absurb from my point of view. It seems people don't like their authority questioned even if they are taking a path that will hurt the company or their customers. My resistance to what is was likely my undoing Or perhaps it was meant to be. I have learned much from my failures and much about how unconscious people in the world around me really are. I am heartened that many are awakening as I am, but many more are still trapped in their minds and causing themselves needless suffering and pain, but I know that all is going according to God's Plan.

The best gift you can give any one is of yourself. Give your time and energy for someone you love or care about. When you give of yourself, be there totally. Do not wish you were somewhere else while on this mission or you will corrupt your gift.

The mind says zero equals death and one is I.
The spirit says there is no zero or one, there is just the Infinite*.

*Infinite and Totality are interchangeable.

Have been watching The Colours of Infinity on PBS. It's about fractals. The Universe is a fractal, but it has a minimum length called Planck Length which is the smallest unit of length. Planck Length is also a God Unit. I wonder if one can quantitize (measure) a Soul or Love?

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.
James Thurber

There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
James Thurber

Please reflect on these sayings of Thurber's. There is Truth in all of them, although not all women and children are wise, but they tend to not cause as much harm as men. In the case of children, they see the world for what it is rather than what they wish to see (that is before TV corrupts their minds).

Computers can be such a pain in the ...Annie is having trouble with her system. She suspects that she's got a hidden spam proxy agent on her system. She's recovered it (HP systems have a factory image installed such that the owner can rebuild the system.), but she's still having troubles with her email accounts. I think it could be the email provider, but I could have overlooked a virus. However, there are no indications that she does have a virus because:
1. Norton Antivirus is giving clean scans.
2. There are no CPU usage spikes.
3. Other than system freezes, which HP Pavilions have anyway, there are no other unusual indications of a virus.
4. Netstat -a shows normal processes listening on seemingly normal ports. Now she had 14 listening processes according to netstat, but none of them were talking to Russia or any place unusual.

So, bottom line, I can't rule out a virus without a separate antivirus scan from another vendor's product. I tried to have her scan the system using http://housecall.trendmicro.com but it never downloaded the control necessary to scan her system for some odd reason.

I've signed up for a WebEx free trial offer. WebEx will allow me to remote into her system and check it out. Hopefully, she'll let me try it. Perhaps I'll pin down the issue.

On another note, my workstation at work is so locked down, it's broken. I can't print. I'm thinking that our migration has been something of a fiasco. I'm a qualified system administrator and I can't fix my own system because of corporate and security policies. Makes one feel really useful. On the other hand the company suffers because my productivity is crippled due to poor planning and implementation because of someone's poor judgement. On the bright side, I'm still being paid. Merry Christmas!

When you deeply enjoy the work you do, it is no longer work. It is a Labor of Love, or more accurately, it is Bliss. When you feel contentment or pride at a job well done and people, including loved ones, are better off because of the lasting effects of your Labor and Love, that is profound and true Bliss. I believe it to be a feminine quality, because it takes creativity and nuturing for something worthwhile to come to fruition. Men are capable of blissful creation as well. The Moon Landings are an example. But by and large, men's creations spring from ego and few creations of the Ego stand the test of time. So, do not judge a person by what they do for a living because they may have found their Bliss. If they are happy and content giving themselves and others pleasure in the process, who am I to judge whether they are wrong or not. The narrow way to wisdom is nonjudgement of oneself and others.

I endeavor to get Annie to smile or laugh at least once a day. For now, that Labor of Love is my Bliss. If I can get others to laugh as well, then so much the better. (grin)

If Annie were a Vargas pinup, she'd be this Trick or Treater
She's a brunette, not a blonde, but the imagery captures some of her spirit and beauty.

A beautiful flower, the glance and smile of someone you find attractive;
Watching a child or a cat play, a sunrise or a sunset;
The company of good friends, the caress of a lover;
The first kiss when you KNOW you are simply loved by another;
The contentment that arises from a passionate night of love making;
The smile of your beloved, your beloved's laughter and joy;
The purr of a cat or kitten, the playful bark of a puppy or dog;
A child's laughter, a child's wide-eyed wonderment;
Brushing your beloved's hair, giving your beloved a massage;
Receiving a beloved's email or letter, writing prose or poetry to your beloved;
Composing a song for your beloved, singing a hymn to God;
Singing a song to your beloved, dancing with your beloved;
Dining with your friends or family or beloved;
Looking at the sky on a dark clear night in the country in awe of the vastness of the Milky Way and the Universe;
Admiring a masterpiece at an art gallery or any art or form crafted by love and insight for that matter;
Performing any act from insight and wisdom and love;
Teaching any one something useful;
Loving someone unconditionally in spite of labels and stereotypes - from insight and wisdom, from laughter and joy and the heart, rather than appearances and wealth and shallow banter;
Watching dust motes in a sunbeam;
Watching the Sun shine through clouds;
Cleaning the house or mowing the yard;
Listening to a songbird, watching a mockingbird chase a squirrel;
The satisfaction of a job well done when you've worked very hard to bring it to fruition;
Seeing someone you love graduate from school or college;
A telephone call from a loved one;
I could name many more simple joys. So many of these we forget or take for granted. The love turns to hate. The laughter dies, the smile turns to a frown. It need not always be so, so long as we remember to not take ourselves or any one else seriously in day to day matters. There can be no Hate where there is True Love, for there is no opposite to True Love. There is no Insanity when True Sanity is achieved. So, be grateful for the simple Joys you find in each moment. It is God speaking to you in and from someone or something.

Dedicated to Annie, who is currently my inspiration.

Dedicated to Annie....

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein

Liked that quote so much, I started thinking about other things they had in common. I then expanded the concept to men and dogs.

Women and cats are alike because:
1. They will do as they please without anyone's approval.
2. They change their minds on a whim.
3. You have to earn their affection.
4. They train you, not the other way around.
5. You have to put up with a load of shit from them.
6. They can be vain.
7. They have claws and scratch.
8. They keep their bodies neat and clean.
9. They are attracted to warmth.
10. They are finicky eaters.
11. They leave little presents for you.
12. They are both intelligent predators.
13. They like to lie in the sun.
14. They need their beauty sleep.
15. They have been worshiped.
16. They have been persecuted and killed in the past due to fear and superstition.

Men and dogs are alike because:
1. They are trainable with the right reward system.
2. They can be easily neutered using the proper procedures.
3. They want to please those they love.
4. They track mud and dirt into the house.
5. They will leave shit everywhere.
6. They drool and slobber on you and your clothes.
7. They both chase females single-mindedly.
8. They go for your crotch almost immediately.
9. They are aggressive to strangers.
10. They don't care what they eat or drink.
11. They like cars and trucks.
12. They are usually more cunning than intelligent.
13. They will keep you awake at night when you wish to sleep.
14. They will pee just about anywhere.
15. They think they own everything.
16. They like to hunt, especially in packs.

"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love." Gibran, "The Prophet"

All I can do is Love. The rest is up to those I touch through Love. It is said that only Love is real. I know I fear rejection of my love, but if I do not risk my heart, then I am nothing. As the Bible states, "for without love I am nothing."

I am not loving from insight all the time. Only sometimes. I hope I can love from insight when it counts, and eventually all the time.

Find the 'narrow gate that leads to life.' It is called the Now. Narrow your life down to this moment. Your life situation may be full of problems—most life situations are—but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now?

Eckhart Tolle

This evening on the way to work, I was focused on the Now. I had another perfect moment, a satori. It was Bliss, then it was just a memory. It seems that driving a car makes one stay focused in the Now since you have to pay attention to the road and other drivers. This is also why people take up dangerous sports like rock climbing and such because they have to stay focused on the Now or they will die. Think I'll stick to driving a car rather than skydiving or some such. (grin)

Annie emailed me. We are planning to see each other in January. She politely gave me an out since I've had an interesting 2 weeks. She is quite sweet. I replied that I wasn't going to let her or myself down and that I planned to keep our appointment. I don't understand why everything happened the way it did, but either my life is undergoing a profound change or I am supposed to appreciate what I have, be grateful for what I have NOW. Only my true essence, soul, whatever you wish to label it knows for sure why things are as they are. I am grateful for NOW and for Annie's friendship and her humor and compassion. I hope she's happy and fulfilled as well as those she loves.

I have had a busy two weeks. I finished it off with a screening colonoscopy and purchasing a new car in the same day. I went in yesterday morning for the exam and got home around 1:30 PM. Slept 2 hours, then ran out and bought a car because the rental car was killing me financially. So, now I have a decent used car with low mileage. Also, the weather turned ugly today and the forecasters were right for a change, mixed sleet and icy roads. Dallas is pretty much shut down tonight. I am going to attempt to brave the roads and see if I can make it into work at 1:00 AM. So, I am putting my new used car on the line to see what it can do. Haven't heard from Annie in several days. Methinks she is busy with the Christmas season and such since even contact with Stacey and George has fallen off a bit. Or perhaps, I shouldn't have said something in an email although I think I am being a bit hard on myself. Women are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma with homage to Winston Churchill. The Universe will work itself out. Maybe I am finally growing up with respect to women if that is even possible for a man to do. My ex-wife still loves me. The problem is that I don't love her fully any more and I left her because it wasn't fair to her, although she probably doesn't see it in that light. We all have to live with ourselves and we all make our own Heaven or Hells on Earth. Perhaps I am suffering needlessly, or perhaps I am doing the right thing. I really don't know myself any more. I know that I am still unconscious in a spiritual sense and still run by my mind even though I try to watch my mind and it's tricks. Blessings to all and I hope you all make your own Heavens on this Earth.

For some reason, I can feel my inner body today. My primordial consciousness is more awake for some reason. I spoke early in the morning with my high school chemistry teacher whom I consider to be my spiritual Father. He is a good man who helped me in high school through emotional problems stemming from my parent's divorce. When I awoke in the early afternoon, I meditated about Annie and then got up and lo and behold, there was an email from her. She's becoming quite a good Flash web site designer. Her eye for graphic design is superb. But as I emailed her, I am a biased observer because I am quite fond of her as a person. For some reason, just writing that sentence fills me with warmth. I hope she is having a great evening.

I find myself thinking about Annie and wonder why I haven't heard from her in two days. I find myself fantasizing about my visit to Chicago on January 16th. It takes effort to see reality for what it is. My mind has latched onto my insecurity with women in an attempt to control me. It has been succeeding. It has become absurb, some of the things floating in my head. I am beginning to look to another for happiness. That cannot be. That is too much to put on the shoulders of another. More likely Annie is looking forward to my visit and nothing more. She is probably running around getting gifts for X-mas, taking care of her family and her clients. I have way too much idle time on my hands. But at least now I am a bit saner. I suppose my mantra should be no expectations for Annie. Or it is as it is. Just love and let the World work itself out. I wish I were at peace now, or at least inspired to write something nice for her like I did last Monday, before I went in for surgery. Time to get ready for work. Blessings to all who read this and who fight their own illusory demons.

My opthamologist says that I should see 20/20 soon, perhaps in 2 weeks or less. I am quite happy with that news. My vision is nowhere near perfect, but it improves by the day. I am going to try and work this evening. I dislike being idle for too long. Now I need to get a new car. I can't afford this rental much longer.

I am partially blind in vision, yet I see clearly through the heart.
It is a beautiful day today. The Sun shines its love through the tree leaves.
The tree leaves gladly accepting this gift, turning this gift of love into nourishment.
I gladly accept what I am given and what I must endure with love.
It is difficult to see the Sun shine through pain;
and at times I had to flee the Light because it was too painful.
Yet, the Sun shines its Love for all, even the painfully blinded.
For I know that the pain will pass and I will again be able to see the Sun's gift.
But that I am not as blind to my fellow men and those who need my Love.
Just as the Sun never meant to cause me pain,
most humans do not intentionally cause me suffering and pain.
Those that do, I must forgive, as I must see through my own self inflicted pain and suffering
and realize that they stem from illusions and delusions
- the blind seeking salvation from the blind.
I am stumbling towards the light,
and I pray that I am helping others along the path of Light and Love.
I pray my heart guide me true this beautiful day towards the Light.

I went in for LASIK surgery Monday. My intraocular implants made waveform analysis useless, so waveform lasik was out. My opthamologist spent 30 minutes taking measurements for conventional lasik. However, when he started the procedure, my right eyeball wasn't smooth enough for the suction cup to apply properly. Therefore, conventional lasik was out. That left PRK. The surface of the eye is sculpted and burned by laser instead of the inner corneal tissues as with lasik. He did say that most people found PRK too painful, but he thought it superior to lasik. What was I to do? So, I told him to do what he thought was right. Well, 11:45 PM that night and I was in agony. Any light hurt. I finally slept and was a little better. Vision was blurry but I could still read. My vision steadily worsened. Yesterday, I couldn't read well enough to type emails. I could barely read anything. My eyes were very sensitive to light and it is only today that I feel no pain and moderate light levels don't hurt. I have had to take sick days because my vision isn't good enough to read computer consoles full time. Hopefully, I will be well enough by tomorrow evening to work. I sincerely hope that this is the last eye surgery I will ever have. I've suffered enough pain and discomfort, although I suppose if push comes to shove I'd go through it all again.

For Annie....
Even though I walk through a fog of pain, I still love.
Even though my eyes scream in agony, I know the pain will eventually pass.
Even though I begin to regret my decision to see clearly, I still know it was the right thing to do.
Even though I sit in the darkness waiting for the doctor to examine me, I feel peace.
Even though enveloped in darkness I can feel the Light.
Even though everything is a blur, I know I am walking the right path.
Even though we have not yet met, I see and feel you smile and it feels me with warmth.
Even though we are apart, I know we are connected via the heart.
Even though we all seem to stumble around blindly through life, I am very grateful I stumbled into you.

Written 11/29/05