Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Stranger in a Strange Land

I have never felt at home in this world. Currently, I am an alien, in a no man's land between full wakefulness and ordinary unconsciousness. I touch whomever I can with loving kindness.

I just tried to solve my loneliness the wrong way and I should have known better because this is the second time. Not learning from a mistake the first time is foolish at best and insane at worst. I thought with a new person and the fact that I'd grown a little that the circumstances would be different as well as the outcome. However, I was mistaken. I will not make this mistake ever again.

I just completed a 750 mile round trip from Dallas to Odessa, TX and back in two days. My Auntie Audrey from Peterborough, England, was in town visiting my Mother and my sister in Odessa. She asked me today what my faith was. I answered, "I am a heretic". She laughed and said, "No, you're not!" I said, "Well, I suppose you could call me a Zen Christian". She then said, "You are just like our John", referring to her and Mom's youngest brother, my Uncle John. I suppose I am his acolyte in a fashion. I did take his teachings to heart. He is a deeply spiritual man and he feels alien in this world as well, but he KNOWS why he is the way he is. I never doubted him, but I didn't start to understand what he was trying to tell me until I read Brian Weiss's "Many Lives, Many Masters" and Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". Both books point to the Truth he was trying to explain to me, but I didn't start down that path until my younger brother died. His death made me question all my beliefs in conventional Christianity. I don't know why my grief drove me to tear down my belief structures and then find a Truth I could accept. Perhaps it was my scientific training. I suppose it comes down to this question, "How small is God?" Is God so petty or vindictive that He would condemn suicides or drug overdosers to eternal Hell just because they couldn't suffer in this world any more". Intuitively, I knew that such souls could not be condemned in such a way, but I had little to go on, but what my Uncle had told me and Buddhism. I don't know what "God" is, but I know that the entity is loving, and large and sacred beyond belief, not petty and vindictive or hateful.

So, I will leave you with this:
You are a hole in a flute through which God breathes. Can you hear the musical note that you are? Can you hear the melody? Can you hear the symphony? Are you deaf?
Thank you for the sincere post.

I am trying to enjoy my lonliness for a while. It makes me write better poetry, makes me appreciate people more. Loneliness makes us sober and if we do not try to get rid of it, it takes us higher. Perhaps we have been given this temporary loneliness for a reason. And perhaps we will be given a true love when we are ready for it.

I almost saw myself as a manifestation of God when I read that poem.
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