Thursday, March 23, 2006

Dream

I've never had this type of dream before. Wednesday, I dreamed about Annie. She had sold the gold crucifix I gave her for her birthday for a fifth of what it cost me to an older woman. The older woman was quite pleased about getting such a nice deal. I wasn't able to talk to Annie about it in the dream. I woke up sad and hurt. I don't really know why I should dream such a dream as this. After all, it is only a dream. There's nothing I can really do to verify whether the dream is true or not, although it feels truthful. I don't wish to have any contact with her any more. The gift was a birthday gift. It is hers to do with as she pleases. Perhaps I am just "insane" or unconscious. Only an insane person would want to suffer in a dream such as this. When I think about the dream, I try to become present so that I don't suffer.

It's been a week and a half since she received the check. It's not been cashed yet. Figured she would have cashed it ASAP since I had to FEDEX it to her.
Comments:
It's perfectly understandable why you had such a dream as this. No, you are not "insane" or "unconscious". Any person with a heart would be hurt by these kinds of actions. When we give a gift to someone, and feel that it is not appreciated or that the person is not grateful, we feel hurt. It is no doubt that you had this dream because of how aloof Annie has been towards you lately.
 
Check cleared my account today. It's finished.
 
I think the dream means I have more work to do on myself. The past is dead. I can only learn from it. I shouldn't let it hurt me any more.
 
learning from the past will defeat you, she is in the past.
learning from the future will deliver you, she is not in your future, say Amen.
 
I did not nor will I ever sell the crucifix. I have stood by and read all the comments about me and said nothing. I let him vent and deal with his pain. However, I will not let him or anyone think of me as this horrible and uncaring person. On the contrary to what he and everyone else believe about me, I am a very happy, loving and caring person.

John and I had an unfortunate misunderstanding, a lack of communication on both our parts. We were both under the wrong impression. He knew and understood what our situation was from the very first email he sent me. He took this a step further then what it was or could ever be. How can you fall in love with someone after spending only 12 hours together?

After our first meeting I explained to John, in many emails, what our relationship was. I have a life and a family outside of him that can never be altered. I also told him that if he could not control his feelings then I would never see him again. John brought this pain upon himself and is trying to blame me. I am sorry for his pain but I will not take the blame for it.

John, I do wish you nothing but the very best that life has to offer.

Annie
 
I erroneously believed that it was your 40th birthday. You had told me that you were 39 years old and that you were born in 1967 at our first meeting. Which number was correct? I thought I'd be nice and give you a nice 40th birthday celebration. I gave you $850-900 in gifts and flowers and $300 on your birthday. I erroneously assumed that you would graciously feel justly compensated for your time you spent with me. I was wrong. You requested an additional $1000. I paid you that amount. Therefore, your total compensation for being with me 5.5 hours on your 39th birthday was $2150 minimum.

I thank you for letting me know that my dream was a false one. I am glad you are keeping the crucifix. Yes, I was foolish. Yes, my pain was self-inflicted. I didn't expect you to love me since I don't even know your real name. Annie is just an alias. Besides, you had a boyfriend and I live in another city entirely.

I wanted to see if you could be gracious. I wanted to see if you could be a lady for one night of your life. I only disappointed myself. You'll have a good life. I have no doubt. Best wishes and good fortune.
 
The problem here is that there is no objective metric. Both of us have a slightly different perspective and it comes down to a misunderstanding. That's kind of true, but I realized that there are objective metrics - time and money. The first meeting, we were together for 11 hours and it cost $2000. The second meeting we were together for 5.5 hours and it cost $2150 total - $850-900 in gifts and $1300 cash. The difference between the two experiences was money. I didn't give you the full amount the second time as cash. What was I to conclude from the two experiences? The conclusion is that I should have just brought cash the second time because the gifts didn't matter. You say otherwise, but the time difference speaks for itself.

You got upset with the waitress at TGIF over the bill which turned out to have been correct. At the hotel, you got upset because they didn't have a bellhop to carry everything down to your car after dinner. You weren't really mad at them, you were mad with me for not bringing enough cash. This is what I noticed and this is really why I am upset at the whole deal.

People can read this and decide for themselves. Obviously, I was foolish for being nice to you on your birthday and giving you gifts, not to mention seeing you in the first place. I had forgotten your earlier admonition about gifts. I just thought that your birthday would be the only time I could give you any gifts at all, since birthdays are when people give other people gifts, especially 40th birthdays.
 
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