Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Signs

I shouldn't be using this technique because it is a spiritual crutch, but I am still divining - using the pendulum technique (30% accuracy -poor at best) to access my subconsciousness. It said last week that Annie would never write about me in her blog. Yesterday, she shut her blog down. Score one for my subconscious. I also have the impulse to clean up my messy apartment. I'm sure part of it is because of just being happy from last week with Annie, but I have noticed my meditations have increased in feeling or sensation after last week as well. Part of that was my attempt to control my fears and anxiety with Annie. Encounters with women like her are very intense and very short, at least from past experience. However, there is a distance factor involved so that should give me time to get a proper perspective. She's right, I think too damn much. So, I've been meditating to control my passions and worries and just calm down. I've also been sending her positive healing energy in an attempt to promote healing of her surgeries. (This may be folly because there's no proof it works, but it's the closest I can think of to effective prayer.)
During meditation using a meditation CD I have, there's a section where I am supposed to send love and light to my loved ones. This past Sunday and Monday, I blanked out in that section almost every time I played the CD. It has never happened when I think of my family, so it likely was something to do with Annie.
So, these are the following signs of change in my life:
1. Brief loss of consciousness during specific meditation exercise on precise days that are her "weekend".
2. Pendulum was kind of correct that she'd never write about me. Never expected her to shut down the blog though.
3. Impulse to clean out my apartment of old books and magazines. It's not just a cleaning, but more like clutter removal. I'm definitely freeing up space in my life, literally. The Universe says that I might be moving, but to where, and more importantly, when?

I couldn't help asking. These are the following answers I've gotten from my subconscious:
1. Annie will write me within a week.
2. I shouldn't buy plane tickets or book a hotel room until early February for some reason (give the Universe time for what purpose?).
3. I shouldn't send her a Valentine's Day ecard. That's bizarre, but it's the "right action" if there is such a thing.

Last week I started reciting the following mantra:

I will accept the present moment as it is now. I will accept Annie as she is now. I will unconditionally love her without reservation, bias, or judgement. I want what is best for her regardless of what I want, desire or need.

This seems like the only sane thing to do and sooner or later, I should align with what reality desires me to have, not what I want. I do not wish to cause her or myself any more pain. I will not cause Annie any more pain or suffering from my unconscious actions provided I can stay Present.
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