Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Anxiety and depression

The physician who performed my physical was thorough with some things and not so thorough with others. She performed the dreaded Prostate Digital Exam and I learned that women also have to undergo a similar procedure as well as a Pap Smear. I remarked that they have a vaccine for HPV now that should protect women from cervical cancers. But I digress. She didn't check me for testicular cancer or hernias. My EKG shows an age related irregular heart beat. She urged me to go to an ER which I did. The ER doctor said it wasn't treatable and there's nothing they can do. She wants me to see a colonoscopy specialist for a colonoscopy. I'm 44 yrs old. You aren't supposed to start those until 45 yrs old or so. My family has a history of colorectal cancer on my Mother's side. All the women get colorectal cancer. As far as I know, the men don't suffer from it. When I awoke this morning, many thoughts ran through my head. I found my thoughts focused on fear of the procedure and reisitance to it. I also started to become depressed for some reason. My guess is that my pain body latched onto the fear of the colonoscopy. At that point, I started meditating to calm my thoughts and fears. My mental turmoil ceased and I calmed down and I can see everything for what it is. I despair though. I'm just surviving right now. I'm making less money than I did two and even three years ago. I am trying to get out of debt with my credit cards from unemployment and separation expenses. I have had to pay something like $4K out of pocket for my cataract surgery and Lasik which I undergo next Monday. My insurance wouldn't pay the complete costs of the new lenses I have in my eyes or the Lasik procedure necessary to fine tune my vision. No one talks about people having to juggle medical costs, yet I know it is a real problem for seniors. I'm only 44 years old and doctors want me to submit to a battery of tests that I know will be unnecessary. Are they covering their asses, or am I rationalizing away my fears of a colonoscopy due to monetary costs right before Christmas. December is a bad month for me. There's X-mas presents, car insurance, and now maybe more medical tests. Life is interesting as in the Chinese curse. Well, I don't have any problems right now! It's a pretty day. Guess I have time to meditate on the situation and hope I can do the right thing from insight instead of fear.

See my email. But the important this is, remember Now.
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